Life is for Living
I am often struck by how easily people explain behavior based on past experience, even though that past experience is no longer happening. It’s as if they are being lived by the past rather than choosing how to live in the present. But all of life happens in the present. The past is just a story. This is not to minimize a person’s experience. Everyone needs to tell their story and have their story heard. Way too many people have trauma in their history, and that will always leave its mark. And not all of life is easy and happy. We go through grief, shock, anger, disappointment and a range of other states as we face the circumstances in life. But do we need to allow the events of our lives to dictate our behavior, attitudes, emotions and thoughts as we live our lives. I believe we don’t. I believe that we have a choice.
I didn’t always live my life as if I had a choice. I had my share of life events that were challenging, growing up with an alcoholic parent, childhood poverty, overcoming addictions, sexual abuse, a broken marriage and the tragic loss of loved ones. For years it was easy for me to feel victimized by life’s circumstances and boxed in by my own emotional response to them. I would entertain guilt, shame, self pity and anger as if they were my buddies. They were familiar and I learned to live with them. But eventually I couldn’t stand them any more and knew I had to change, came to believe, in fact, that, rather than being a victim of these painful emotions, I could choose to replace them with those of my choosing. This isn’t an easy journey but it is one that is full of surprises, re-defined relationships, and a new sense of comfort and confidence. This has been possible because of many years in a twelve step program and in more recent years through a coaching program that has shown me how to be intentional about every aspect of my life.
What do we do, for example, when someone expresses anger towards us in an aggressive or abusive way? Recently, I have found myself in this situation, with a relatioship that goes back a long time. Aren’t those the hardest to which to respond? I used to react in anger or hurt, when this happened, saying things without much thought, and the outcome would never feel good. But knowing that my own emotional response to any situation is my choice allowed me, in this situation, to respond differently. I took the time I needed, in order to find compassion and understanding both for myself and the other person. Realizing that another person’s anger is not about me, their emotional response is theirs alone, and understanding that anyone going through anger is in pain allowed for a more compassionate response. This different response opened the door to a deep conversation about a struggle in my friend’s life which brought us closer together and deepened our connection. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
Today’s world is fraught with conflict and tension. The news is full of stories about the tragedies that are happening around the world, and the failure of governments to prevent them. But where are we hearing about the amazing things people are doing to transform themselves and their world? Everywhere I look I see people being kind, generous and dedicated to seeking peace and justice in the world. Why would I allow myself to be drowned in negative news when this is what I see all around me? I am intentionally choosing to believe in the goodness of humanity because it is more motivating and inspiring than believing in doom and gloom. Of course it is true that the world is in conflict and we all have a part to play but we are more able to discern our role if we choose to believe in a brighter future.
On a more personal scale we all have relationships in our lives and egos that can dictate our feelings and interactions. Making friends with my ego has helped me navigate my way through difficult conversations and situations. Becoming aware of when the ego tries to dominate is the first step to taming it. How many times do we react to something someone said or did without checking out the intention? I know I have said things that have felt hurtful to people but hurting people is the last thing I would ever want to do. I choose to believe this about other people too. Choosing to believe in the good intentions of people, rather than make assumptions, paves the way to more relaxed, open and full relationships all around.
When relationships are free, when the mind is not racked with worry about the state of the world, and when our past has been laid to rest, there is space inside us to live life fully and to intentionally fill it with what gives us the most joy and fulfillment.
